


Why You Switched Your Homeroom

by tobio_fly



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Childhood Friends, Developing Relationship, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, Hurt Yamaguchi Tadashi, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Minor Original Character(s), Teen Angst, Third Year Tsukishima Kei, Third Year Yamaguchi Tadashi, Tsukishima Kei is Bad at Feelings, a lot of gay misunderstanding, karasuno first years as third years, kei and tadashi fight, kei runs away, yachi is best girl
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-17
Updated: 2021-03-11
Packaged: 2021-03-12 07:28:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 13,575
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29506215
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tobio_fly/pseuds/tobio_fly
Summary: "A summer without Tadashi left a sour taste in Kei’s mouth. Where there was once trips the coast, backyard sleepovers, and that extra burst of freckles that dusted Tadashi’s nose when he spent long hours in the sun; there were now bustling city streets, a lonely futon, and apparently no freckles in the entire city of Tokyo. None worth looking at anyway."in which, Kei learns that you can't run away from your emotions forever.___otherwise known as, i listened to betty by taylor swift and thought, hmmm how can i make this about 2D drawings of high school volleyball boys.this is completely self-indulgent and i hope you like it.
Relationships: Kuroo Tetsurou & Tsukishima Kei, Tsukishima Kei/Yamaguchi Tadashi, Yachi Hitoka & Yamaguchi Tadashi
Comments: 5
Kudos: 16





	1. where it all went wrong.

**Author's Note:**

> i'm having fun here, i hope you do too.
> 
> mistakes may reside nicely tucked away within this work. they're just chillin', don't worry about them.

where it all went wrong.

The sweet scent of strawberries was the only thing to pull Kei out of bed on that late August morning. It wasn’t the pain in his neck from spending far too many nights on the stiff futon his brother had set out for him. It wasn’t the music abrasively blaring through the small Tokyo apartment. And it certainly wasn’t the prospect of returning home to Miyagi that evening. He’d been awake for nearly thirty minutes, which gave him plenty of time to become hyper aware of each of these factors. But, not one of them, in his opinion, warranted him moving from his place on the stiff, and yet, terribly welcoming futon he’d become accustomed to over the past month. 

It was the scent of strawberries that caused Kei to finally open his eyes, remove his blankets, stuff his feet into a pair of slippers, and toe his way into the kitchen.

Each one of these actions was against his better judgement.

“Well good morning sunshine.” Akiteru chided without so much as casting Kei a glance. 

Kei had come to realize over the past 30 or so days that he and his brother shared much more of a sibling telepathy than he had ever anticipated. The first example of this telepathic connection came when Kei called his older brother back in July. Within 30 seconds of the phone call (which was 30 seconds of choked greetings and stifled sobs on Kei’s end, and 30 seconds of patience despite his gnawing worries on Akiteru’s end) the eldest of the Tsukishima brothers was buying Kei a one-way ticket to Tokyo. Kei hadn’t asked him to do this, but it was  _ exactly _ what he needed.

And, the most recent example of the Tsukishima Sibling Telepathy was in this very moment, for 2 reasons. The first was that Kei entered the kitchen without a sound, and Akiteru, with his back to the entryway greeted his brother without possibly knowing for sure if he was there. And the second was that Akiteru was heating fresh strawberries in a pot on the stove to serve over the breakfast pastries he had gotten from the shop beneath his apartment.  _ This, _ Kei thought,  _ was also exactly what he needed. _

“So! Are we feeling excited about going back home?” Akiteru continued, choosing to ignore Kei’s lack of morning greetings. Akiteru had this habit of using the term “we” when really he just means “you”. It was a bother at first, but it became one of the many things Kei reluctantly grew accustomed to this summer break.

“Not really.” Kei replied shortly.

“Well things might be weird at first,” Akiteru proceeded carefully, still focused on stirring the pot on the stove top, “but, the second semester of third year totally flies by! You’ll be so busy with college prep, and studying, and entrance exams, you’ll be graduating before you know it.”

“Yes, it all sounds very exciting.” Kei replied, drying out his tone more so than usual to exaggerate his disinterest.

“Hey, don’t be like that. There’s lots of non-school related things to look forward to, right?” Akiteru hesitated in his stirring before continuing, “The team will definitely make it to nationals again which is amazing! That’s really crazy Kei, you get to be a starter at the Spring Interhighs for all three years that you’re in highschool. I mean, really, not many people can say they’ve-”

“We aren’t in yet, so just drop it.” Kei snapped, the thought of volleyball and the team and… it was too much for him to think about. Especially the day before he would have to see them all again. Kei took a breath and continued, this time quieter “I don’t even know if I’m going back.”

At this Akiteru halted in his stirring of the strawberry mixture and turned to face Kei, a fierce and almost intimidating flash in his eyes. “Kei.” he began, “he’s your best friend. It's been that way for longer than any of us can remember. He’s basically a part of our fucking family!” Akiteru rarely swore. Maybe spending a month with Kei had worn him down more than the younger had realized.

Kei watched silently as his brother spooned the soupy strawberry mixture on top of each of their pastries. Akiteru handed Kei his plate but didn’t let go when Kei took hold of it. Instead, the siblings stared level with one another, the scent of strawberry wafting between them. And then Akiteru spoke; “you need to suck it up and find a way to make it better, because guess what kiddo, you fucked up. And now it's time to go home and face the music. No more hiding.”

Akiteru smiled warmly as he let go of Kei’s plate and moved his way to the couch to eat his breakfast. Kei exhaled a heavy breath and closed his eyes.

_ You fucked up. No more hiding.  _

“Okay.” he breathed out finally, before exiting the kitchen and joining his brother on the couch.

___

A summer without Tadashi left a sour taste in Kei’s mouth. Where there was once trips the coast, backyard sleepovers, and that extra burst of freckles that dusted Tadashi’s nose when he spent long hours in the sun; there were now bustling city streets, a lonely futon, and apparently no freckles in the entire city of Tokyo. None worth looking at anyway. 

Kei and Tadashi together was always a given. It was set in stone the moment they met in primary school, and would be woven into the very fabric of their adolescent experience. They began as somewhat of a comedy act for their parents; any way you looked at it, one was always the complete opposite of the other in every regard. Where Kei was tall, Tadashi was small. Where Tadashi was nervous, Kei was bold. Where Kei was gloomy, Tadashi was brighter than the sun. 

Their dynamic was a part of their charm. It’s what made them a cohesive unit. One always balancing out the other. It was fine when they were children. It was more than fine, it allowed for them to foster an inseparable relationship. The kind of friendship where days turned to nights, turned to weeks, until the pair couldn’t remember the last time they stayed at separate houses or spent longer than an hour apart. But as Kei and Tadashi got older, the dynamic started to lose its childish charm, at least for the two of them it did.

Where Tadashi once adored being the optimism generator for the duo, he began to grow exhausted of Kei's constant disinterest in most things that weren’t confined to just the two of them. And where Kei was once proud of being the brave spokesperson of the pair, a frustration grew within him each time Tadashi refused to advocate for himself. 

It was the kind of thing that grew over time. Retrospectively, Kei supposes the build began in highschool. The change in environment, the alteration to their middle school routine, and the new people who wandered a little too close to the private world of Kei and Tadashi (for Kei’s comfort), put a strain on their relationship.

But there was something else there too. It came in every stolen glance at golden hair or dainty freckles, it took shape in the brushing of pinkies on their walks to and from school, and it manifested in the refusal to quit their childhood habits of habitual sleepovers where the two boys would curl around one another to fit in one bed just as they’d done for years. 

There was frustration building, but there was something else bubbling up as well. Each feeling was different from the other, but both were new and confusing for Kei and Tadashi, nonetheless.

When they were in their first year, the build-up had become unbearable. One of them had to take the first shot, they both knew it. What neither of them expected was that Tadashi would be the one to do it. 

In an instant, the build-up came crashing down around them, but the destruction of their carefully constructed tower of cards freed them from their frustration. For a little while at least.

It happened two summers prior. It happened at training camp. It happened when footsteps chased Kei into the darkness of the wet summer heat. It happened with the echo of volleyballs slamming into gymnasium floors and a faint yellow glow framing a childhood friend, who suddenly appeared unrecognizable. It happened when Tadashi, voice rid of its usual uncertainty, beckoned the nickname reserved just for the two of them.

With every utterance of  _ ‘Tsuki’  _ from blushed and freckled lips, Kei was sure he was giving away a piece of himself.

He didn’t mind. 

But this particular ‘ _ Tsuki’ _ , beckoned loudly between heaving breaths, for all those in surrounding gymnasiums to hear, was the word which halted the build completely. It stopped Kei dead in his tracks. It gave Tadashi confidence. It showed Kei determination.

In one foul swoop Tadashi and Kei knocked down their delicately crafted tower of cards. And for a moment, it was bliss. But the build always started all over again.

___

Kei found a seat in the bustling Tokyo train station. His train to Sendai was scheduled to leave at 4:15pm. Kei glanced down at his phone. 3:58pm, he registered. Then his brain wandered, opting to focus intently at his lockscreen. 

He should probably change it before school tomorrow. 

Scrolling through the few photos he’d taken that summer, Kei opted for one of him and Akiteru at the Tokyo Skytree. Kuroo had taken it for them on one of the many days Kei had spent with Kuroo and Kenma out and about in Tokyo. The couple had been kind enough as to show Kei a good time this summer as best as they could. This meant many day-trips to tourist attractions, copious amounts of shopping, and with the help of Akiteru’s I.D. and Kei’s uncanny resemblance to his of-age brother, sneaking Kei into a few bars. Each of these activities hadn’t been too far out of Kuroo’s wheelhouse and he knew his friend would be good company over the summer. This knowledge that Kuroo was in Tokyo was a large factor contributing to Kei’s decision to spend the summer there. However, Kei was especially appreciative of Kenma’s calming presence on most of their adventures this summer as well.

In the grand scheme of things, Kei supposed that the summer hadn’t been entirely unbearable. 

The same couldn’t be said for the mess that was awaiting him in Miyagi.

Sighing, Kei changed his lockscreen. The photo of Kei and his brother replaced the former background; a picture of the Karasuno third years and their manager huddled around each other, each wearing their own version of a happy and care-free expression. Kei would never let any of them know that he had changed his phone background to this photo because he missed his friends over the summer. Especially not right now.

He checked the time again. 4:01pm. The train ride to Sendai would be about two hours, his mom would be waiting for him at the station, and then they would drive an hour home. He supposed he would arrive in his bedroom and collapse into his bed right around 7:30pm give or take. This would give him adequate time to completely spiral for the next 12 hours before he’d have to get ready for school. Perfect.

Kei sighed and slouched in his seat, this was going to be a long night.

___

Kei supposed that they could have seen this all coming. At least partially. 

The triumphs and failures of first year melted away like snow, and second year bloomed with hopeful new beginnings. 

Tadashi and Kei remained, utterly and completely, Tadashi and Kei. Greeting each other at their meeting place in the mornings, extra early so they could walk slowly to school, pinkies brushing against each other. Stealing glances during morning practise, homeroom, lunch, afternoon classes, evening practise. Walking home side-by-side. Each boy, always aware of where their other half was. Tadashi and Kei remained completely themselves; days turned to nights, turned to weeks. Weeknight sleepovers were no longer a topic of debate between child and parent, but rather an expectation. An assumption. A Guarantee.

Tadashi and Kei remained, utterly and completely, Tadashi and Kei. And with that, the build remained ever present. Looming, waiting, anticipating destruction.

This time it was Kei’s turn to topple their fragile tower.

“I don’t get this at all.”

“Yes you do, you’ve just decided you don’t want to do it anymore.”

“I’m just too stupid to be good at English. I won’t need it anyways, it’s fine.”

“You sound like Kageyama. Shut up and let me help you.”

“Rude.” Tadashi grumbled, eyeing Kei with playful frustration. In spite of his failed attempts to look angry with his friend, Tadashi pushed his workbook across the floor towards Kei, Tadashi himself moving in the same direction as well. 

“Besides, I thought you wanted to travel to America one day.” Kei spoke, noting the newfound warmth of Tadashi’s body, engulfed in his favourite and coziest cardigan, next to him. “You’ll wish you could speak English then.”

Having Tadashi so near to him was nothing unusual for Kei, but lately it was becoming unbearable.  _ Why? _ Why was he freaking out so much? Why was his throat so dry?  _ Sick. _ Kei silently assured himself.  _ I’m just getting sick. That's all. _

“Hmm” Tadashi hummed, an exaggerated pout spread across his face, pushing out his bottom lip.  _ I’m getting sick. I’m getting sick. I’m getting sick. Sick. it’s just a cold. _ In a flash the freckled boy perked up, his disingenuous pout quickly being replaced by a toothy smile and sparkling brown eyes. “I won’t need to speak English because you’ll be with me! My own personal translator. Oh- and you’ve got this blonde hair so you’ll totally blend right in with all the Americans! Wouldn’t that be fun Tsukki, it would be just like Banana Fish, we’ll do New York and then we-”

“Stop rambling, Yamaguchi.” Kei chided, glaring at his opened English book on the floor in front of him, and cursing his fair skin, which he was certain was doing nothing to hide the heat he felt rising in his cheeks.

“Sorry Tsukki”

They were quiet for a moment before Kei spoke. “I’m not _ that _ good at English.”

“Tsukki! Yes you are!” Tadashi gasped, a hint of false annoyance in his tone.

“And I hope it's nothing like Banana Fish.” 

“Sorry, Tsukki, you’re right.” Tadashi smiled sweetly at Kei who had mustered the courage to look at his friend once again. This was a big mistake. “But you’ll still come with me though, right?”

“Shut up, Yamaguchi.” Kei mumbled, eyes wavering slightly from their fixed gaze on Tadashi’s soft brown eyes to glance down at his mouth. Kei cleared his throat quickly averting his gaze back to the English homework sprawled out in front of them. “Okay, what don’t you get?”

Kei could feel Tadashi’s eyes searing into the side of his head, almost as if the freckled boy was attempting to telepathically will Kei to return his gaze once again. Kei had learned his lesson. He felt his heart twitch as he exercised significant effort in order to keep his eyes off of his best friend’s mouth. Tadashi finally gave up on his apparent mission. “This part here. I keep messing up the verb conjugation.”

Tadashi gestured to a text box in his own work book.

“Oh wait I’m on the wrong page.” Kei shifted his hand to flip the page in his own book.

“No, you’re good, it’s right here see-” Tadashi’s fingers reached towards Kei's book.

Except they never made it to the page. Instead Tadashi’s fingers brushed the back of Kei’s hand.

Tadashi and Kei one year ago would have flinched away from the warmth, muttering apologies and averting their eyes to anywhere but each other. But Tadashi and Kei in that moment, on Tadashi’s floor, on the floor they’d spent countless hours studying, playing pokemon, napping, and now holding hands? This version of Tadashi and Kei did not pull away from one another. 

Maybe, Tadashi and Kei had not remained as utterly and completely Tadashi and Kei as they had thought.

Kei felt it the moment Tadashi’s hand touched his own. The build was crumbling around them once again. And Kei felt brave.

“Okay,” he exhaled, hand turning under Tadashi’s touch to grasp his best friend’s impossibly lovely hand. “It's the present perfect tense. So you are describing something that has happened in the past and continues into the present. So if instead of saying ‘ _ you lived in this house’ _ , you would say  _ ‘you have lived in this house since last year’ _ . Get it?”

Tadashi gulped as Kei’s grip tightened around his hand. He nodded, a signal for Kei to continue.

“So,” Kei’s thumb rubbed across the back of Tadashi’s hand, his touch as light as a feather, barely making contact with the freckles extending down Tadashi’s fingers. Kei squeezed his eyes shut and exhaled a deep breath before continuing. “Try this.”

With his free hand, and thankfully it being his right one, Kei penned three english words on Tadashi’s workbook.

“Okay, now rewrite it so it is in the present perfect tense.” Kei spoke. A false sense of security echoed in his voice as he reluctantly let go of Tadashi to allow him to write with his dominant hand. Tadashi stared at his workbook unmoving. “Only if you want to.” Kei uttered with urgency, any confidence he had just seconds ago had been drained from his tone completely.

“I want to.” Tadashi nodded, taking the pen from Kei. Kei observed that the way Tadashi looked in that moment was not unlike the expression he wore standing on the sidelines of the court, placard in hand, about to sub in for Hinata. It was fierce determination and an unshakable focus that had been nearly perfected by the end of their first year at Karasuno.

Tadashi carefully wrote each word, double checking his work along the way. Abruptly he paused and looked to Kei as if studying something buried deep in his eyes. He returned to his work once more before capping the pen and nudging his workbook towards Kei.

_ I love you. _

_ I have loved you since always. _

Kei smiled. He smiled in the way he knew only Tadashi could recognize. 

“Good.” Kei mumbled, a blush sneaking past his cheeks and up to the tips of his ears. “See, you’re fine at English. You’ll have to take more classes for speaking and conversation stuff before you go to America. We focus too much on writing and grammar in school for you to be able to get by on just high school English alone. But you’ll be fine-”

Kei’s rambling was cut off by Tadashi’s hand in his once again, and the soft English slowly leaving Tadashi’s lips;

“I love you. I have loved you since always.” Tadashi spoke with confidence, but paused before tacking one more word on the end of his statement, “Kei.”

And if Kei had thought the name  _ ‘Tsukki’ _ would tear him apart piece by piece, the name  _ ‘Kei’ _ uttered from his best friend’s lips would end his life completely.

“I love you.” Kei spoke, in Japanese, because his brain had short-circuited and seriously infringed on his ability to confess his love for his best friend in any language other than his first. “Tadashi.”

In that moment, Kei can recall, wishing for nothing more than to know every single language that there is, or was, or ever will be, in the entire universe, so that he could tell Tadashi he loved him in each and every one.

But right now, as Kei boarded his train back home to Miyagi, to Karasuno, to real life, to Tadashi; even just saying those words in Japanese would be enough.

___

The train ride was bumpy. Kei hated that. 

He’d never admit it but he always hated travelling, and really any form of transportation, unless it was a skateboard or his mother’s driving. 

He had this fear that his train would derail. He’d read somewhere that the likelihood of surviving a train related accident was low. Really low.

Each bump and creak along the way incited a small amount of fear that bubbled up in Kei’s chest and threatened to burst open at any moment.

The pit in his stomach, the weight on his shoulders, the tearing in his chest. It was all because of the train. Not the destination.  _ The train. _

___

“Hinata you are such an idiot. Please shut up.” Kei spoke from underneath his eye mask, hoodie, and headphones. “I can’t see you, and I have headphones on, and somehow you are still pissing me off.”

“Seems like that’s your problem, Sucky-shima.” Hinata jutted, turning around in his seat on the bus to stick his tongue out at Kei, who couldn’t see him anyways. “Oh my god, look at you. You know for all the crap you give Kageyama about being the King, you sure do act like an evil queen.”

Kageyama snorted at this. His typical response when he couldn’t think of anything witty to say. Which was more often than not.

“You do look very regal, Tsukki.” Tadashi added from his seat beside Kei.

“Ouu! Queen Tsukishima, the true monarch of Karasuno!” Yachi contributed across the way, sharing a double seat with extra team equipment and a few loose Karasuno jackets that had been discarded and forgotten in Nekoma’s gym.

“Tsk. Whatever.” Kei huffed. He was quiet for a moment before lifting his eye mask and glaring daggers at Yachi, “I liked you better when you were scared of me.”

Tadashi laughed as Yachi launched herself across his lap and towards Kei. “You looooove me Tsukishima. I know you do.” she teased, ruffling Kei’s hair before returning to her seat across the small centre aisle of the bus.

“Shut up.” Kei huffed, significantly irritated now.

“What crawled up your ass anyways. You’re being way more salty than usual, Salty-shima.” Kageyama piped up finally.

“Good one.” Hinata praised the setter with a quick fist-bump.

“Tsukki doesn’t like being on the road. Cars and stuff make him nervous. Especially in bad weather.” Tadashi provided, gesturing to the cloudy April skies threatening to break open with heavy rain at any moment.

“Shut up, Yamaguchi.” Kei sneered at Tadashi.

“Oh my god, do you think coach is gonna like…” Hinata started loudly before lowering his voice, “... kill us or something.”

“I  _ will _ kill everyone on this bus if you don’t all shut up.” Coach Ukai called from the driver's seat, shooting an icy glare in the direction of the five third years through the rearview mirror.

“Yeah idiot,” Kageyama elbowed Hinata, “shut up.”

“You’re the idiot!” Hinata shot back, before the pair launched into their own hushed argument.

“Sorry Kei.” Tadashi spoke softly, slumping down in his seat next to Kei. Kei tensed up at the name. He hushed Tadashi, who responded in a quieter tone, “What? No one can hear me. They aren’t even paying attention.”

Kei closed his eyes and exhaled softly, leaning his weight slightly into Tadashi, in a way only Tadashi could notice.

“Why?” Tadashi whispered, “Why won’t you let anyone see us?”

“Yamaguchi-” Kei started, matching his whispered tone.

Tadashi cut him off sharply, “Don’t call me that.”

“It’s your name.”

“I don’t want you to call me by my last name anymore. Please. Why can’t we just be a couple all the time? Not just in private. I’m tired of-”

“You’re tired of what?” Kei snapped.

“Just,” Tadashi began, “just call me by my first name in public, at least give me that much.”

Kei looked at Tadashi, and Tadashi looked back at Kei. The tower was getting taller and taller and no one had toppled it in almost a year. They came close, but neither Kei nor Tadashi had the heart to push the tower over, to let it crumble around them.

“I can’t.” Kei sighed, turning away from Tadashi to look out the window.

“Okay.” Tadashi exhaled, his voice barely a whisper, but Kei could hear the hurt in his one uttered word as if he had screamed it from a rooftop.

He felt weight shift next to him as cold air hit his back through his hoodie. Glancing over his shoulder Kei watched Tadashi sit down next to Yachi, a sad smile on his face as he adjusted himself among the manager’s collection of stray Karasuno jackets.

_ Figures.  _ Kei huffed internally, cursing himself as soon as the thought had entered his mind.

___

Kei shook at the memory. The feeling of his forehead pressed against the window of the train, scenery whipping by, cold air on his back. It all felt far too familiar. 

Kei pulled his phone from his pocket, the new lockscreen glaring at him cruelly. His smile was fake and ugly. His clothing looked too new. He was in a setting that didn’t suit him. He did not like this version Kei that stared back at him. 

Shaking away the thought, Kei opened his phone and selected one of the few names in his contacts. 

He pressed the phone to his ear as the call tone played, eyes squeezed shut, with a breath held high in his chest.

One ring. Then two. Three. And Four. And when Kei had given up all hope completely, the call tone stopped and was replaced with a grumbling: “Hello?”

Kei exhaled a heavy sigh of relief, before speaking, “Your majesty.”

“Ugh god, what do you want.” Kageyama answered from the other end.

“Is there practise tomorrow morning?” Kei asked coolly.

“You’d actually show up if there was?” Kageyama began, pausing only for a moment before continuing, “Yamaguchi gave us the first day back to classes off in the training schedule.”

“Which is code for you and Hinata will be in the gym at 6am tomorrow morning?”

“Ah so the city boy hasn’t forgotten all about his friends back home.” Kageyama returned. He was quite sharp today, Kei found this alarming.

“Listen, will you be there or not?” Kei asked, but it came out as more of a plea.

Kageyama, sensing the tone which was foreign to Kei, answered with a blunt; “Yes, we’ll be there.”

“Okay.” Kei exhaled the word as a sigh before regaining his composure, “Okay. I’ll see you guys tomorrow then?”

“He won’t be there you know. Yamaguchi.” 

“It’s okay. I-” Kei had to will the next few words out of his mouth, “I just really wanted to talk to you and Hinata.” 

“O-okay.” Kageyama stuttered, “Tsukishima, are you okay?”

“I’ll see you tomorrow morning.” Kei answered quickly before disconnecting the call and slouching down into his seat.

He hoped the train would swallow him up, or take him far far away, or derail.

___

Kei knew where it all went wrong.

“What do I wear to this?” Kei asked as soon as the line connected.

“Do you want to know what I’m wearing?” Tadashi asked from the other end playfully.

“You can always assume that my answer to that question will be yes.”

“I’m wearing those high waisted wide legged dress pants I have. The green ones. And my pirate shirt.” Tadashi described his outfit very poorly, but somehow Kei still knew exactly what he was wearing. “Kageyama is here already, he’s wearing a suit. Looking very dapper, my vice-captain!” Tadashi called after Kageyama. Kei assumed they were in the gym setting up.

“Can I wear a sweater? Is that okay?” Kei asked thumbing through the formal attire hanging in his closet.

“You should wear your turtleneck, and your cardigan, and those nice black pants.” Tadashi instructed Kei, “Yacchan agrees. She’s wearing a really flowy skirt, Tsukki, it goes out really far when she spins.”

Kei warmed at the excitement in Tadashi’s voice. “Okay, I’ll be there soon.”

“Yacchan also wants me to tell you that she’s wearing heels so when you get here and see a giant stomping around, don’t worry, it’s just her.” Tadashi laughed into the phone, Kei could hear Yachi yelling at him from somewhere in he background. “Ow! Our manager is so violent!”

“Goodbye. Tell the giantess I’ll look forward to looking down at her slightly less this evening.” Kei spoke into the phone while pulling clothing from his closet.

“Bye Tsukki!”

Kei sighed.  _ Okay _ , he thought to himself,  _ I’ll be fine, I can do this, for Tadashi. _

When Kei arrived at the gym 15 minutes later the building was unrecognizable compared to how he had seen it just 2 hours prior as the team finished up practise. It was the last Friday before summer break and the July heat of that afternoon had started to subside as the sun sank slowly into the horizon. 

Balloons, streamers, metallic stars, various shapes of confetti, and a disco ball caught and reflected the sunset creeping through the gymnasium windows and reflected flecks of orange and yellow throughout the space. Although the sunlight would not last much longer, and it would soon be over-powered by multicoloured LED lights and glow sticks, Kei liked the gym like this. All orange and warm and relatively quiet. It reminded him of the late evenings he and Tadashi often spent together with skin touching skin, and lips peppering kisses wherever they were able.

But this particular evening in July was not one reserved for Tadashi and Kei. But rather for the team. The current Karasuno third years had been afforded the honor of seeing Karasuno High School Volleyball flourish in their time at the school, for both the boys and girl’s teams. Apparently, consistent trips to Spring Nationals had garnered a desirable reputation for the school, and their rosters were quickly filling up to be the largest they’d ever been. However, more team members and greater success equated to more equipment, more travelling, and more expenses. Ultimately, it led to a very large headache for Takeda. 

Yachi, who finds a way to concern herself with every aspect of the volleyball club, expenses included, took it upon herself to pitch the first ever Karasuno High School Volleyball Club Semi-Formal Fundraiser. Otherwise known as the reason their practise gym was filled with balloons, confetti, and a collection of alumni and current club members helping with set up at the direction of Yachi and Tadashi.

Yachi caught Kei’s eye and waved at him, whilst continuing to give instructions to a group of four first years, eager to help out. Kei approached her and Tadashi as the first years bounded off to help their manager and Yachi scribbled furiously on a clipboard she was holding.

“Hey, I was told there was going to be this super tall giantess walking around here that I had to look out for, Yamaguchi, do you know where she is?” Kei joked approaching the duo. He glanced down at Yachi, “Oh hey Yacchan, I didn’t see you there.” he spoke, resting his arm atop her head as if to rub in their very apparent height difference.

“Ah man.” Yachi pouted, punching at Kei’s arm. “I’m a whole four inches taller, thank you very much.”

“Careful, you’ll start to sound like Hinata.” Tadashi laughed. Yachi huffed, crossing her arms across her chest.

“Well lucky for you, I’m in heels which means you get to do all my running around for me.” Yachi smiled, Kei could tell that she thought she had won this exchange. He would let her have it. “Can you please go get the cash box and raffle tickets from the club room?”

“Yeah, I got it.” Tadashi called, already on the move.

Yachi stared up at Kei who remained stagnantly placed beside her. “Aren’t you gonna go help him?”

“Does he need my help?”

“Well, I don’t need you looming over me like this. Go put those long legs to good use! Chop! Chop!” Yachi hit her pen against her clipboard authoritatively as she turned away from Kei, already moving on to the next logistical problem which needed to be tackled.

She really did become quite scary over the years. 

___

_ Yachi. _ Kei thought to himself.  _ How was he going to face Yachi again _ ? 

The Sendai City train station was far emptier than Kei had seen it a month ago when he’d left for Tokyo. Now it was all orange glows and quiet shuffles of the stray evening commuters navigating their way through the station with quick steps and downcast gazes. Kei wondered if any of these adult-looking people had ever messed up in the way that he had. 

Kei had been considering himself to be an adult for a long time now. For as long as the seventeen year old could remember, he’d been told he was  _ ‘mature for his age’ _ by teachers, coaches, and family members. Each one of them fueling a part of Kei’s ego which longed to be satisfied. 

_ Mature for his age.  _

Kei laughed at the idea. Among the suits, high heels, and briefcases parading their way through the train station, Kei had never felt more infantilized.

The feeling intensified when Kei noticed his mothers car through the glass doors which separated the safety of the train station with the first piece of reality he’d be thrust into facing in the next 24 hours. The reality he’d been trying so hard to push away, to ignore.

By some act of universal intervention, the automated sliding doors opened in a swift movement as if to force Kei to cross through their threshold. 

There was a life waiting for him on the other side of those doors. One which, while he desperately tried to ignore, left a dull ache of wanting and loneliness in every fibre of his being. 

“Kei! Oh look at you my baby, you’re a proper city kid now!” His mother beckoned from inside the car the moment she caught his eye. The windows of the vehicle were all the way down, Kei knew this was his mother’s desperate attempt to hold onto the last fleeting moments of summer. 

Kei’s mom adored long drives in the late summer season.  _ ‘The drivers are the happiest, the roads are the smoothest, and the sun paints the sky every single evening. It's a dream, soak it up boys.’ _ Kei recalled the words of his mother as she ushered her children out of their bedrooms on the last night of summer vacation countless years ago. It had become somewhat of a tradition, driving with all the windows down through the backroads of Karasuno on the last night of summer holiday. 

Kei’s mother had offered to make the drive to Tokyo to pick him up, but Kei refused, insisting that he’d use his time on the train to finish up his summer break homework. 

That had been a lie. 

While Kei’s homework was completed, it was done so during the first week of vacation when he had nothing better to do. The truth of the matter was that Kei didn’t believe he had the mental strength to make the five hour car ride with his mom from Tokyo to Karasuno without completely breaking down. She knew how to get under his skin and make him open up about the deepest parts of himself in a way only a mother can.

It was too much for Kei. The prospect of a one hour drive with her from Sendai back home, was daunting enough.

“Hey” Kei smiled warmly as he slid into the passenger seat after loading his suitcase in the trunk of the car and dumping his backpack in the backseat. He leaned across the console to give his mom a kiss on the cheek. “How are you?”

“Well I missed you dearly, for starters.” his mother cooed, “after this taster of being all by myself, I’ve decided you are never leaving for college. From here on out I am sabotaging all of your homework assignments so my baby never leaves me.”

“Yeah well, I give Akiteru another year in the city, max.” Kei rolled his eyes at his mother’s theatrics. “Tokyo is eating him alive, he’s not cut out for life alone in the city. You’ll get him back home, or at least back in Sendai, just in time for me to leave.”

His mother hummed through a smile as she pondered this thought. She remained quiet as she pulled out of the parking lot and onto the road, marking the final stage in Kei’s journey back home.

“Well maybe I’ll stick with my plan, and if your predictions are correct, I can have both my boys back under my roof.” Kei’s mother spoke with certainty, a nod punctuating her statement. Kei huffed through his nose, signifying to his mother that he found her comment, at the very least, amusing. “So, how was the city? Did you have a good summer?”

“It was fine.” Kei spoke quietly, wringing his hands in his lap. Kei’s mother shot him a sidelong glance, signalling that she expected more from his response. “We went to the skytree. I saw some friends who used to go to Nekoma.” Kei offered.

“Good.” His mother nodded.

The drive was a quiet one. Kei and his mother soaking in the few remaining moments of summer before the world would become cold once again. The sun sank low into the sky, casting delicate rays of orange and pink across the horizon. Kei closed his eyes, head tilted slightly out the window as if to catch as much of the slowly disappearing sun as he was able to.

He hadn’t told his mom the details of what had happened last semester and why he couldn’t bear to stay in Karasuno any longer. He didn’t know how to find the words to explain what he had done. To shatter her image of her youngest child, her baby, who had done something truly terrible. 

“Sweetheart,” Kei’s mom began softly. The Tsukishima Telepathy had originated with her, Kei supposed. “Something happened with you and Tadashi. And before you get mad, your brother didn’t tell me anything, this is something of a mother’s intuition, okay?” Kei nodded, head still leaning out the window in avoidance. Kei’s mother continued, “You don’t ever have to tell me a thing about it. You went to Akiteru for this, and I can’t explain to you how happy I am that my boys are friends again. But Kei, no matter what, I am with you, I am in your corner, okay? You and Tadashi have something so special, and I know in my heart and soul that whatever you did that made you feel like you had to run away, it's not insurmountable. Tadashi is your person, Kei, he’ll forgive you.”

The next words tumbled clumsily out of Kei’s mouth, “Mom, I’m in love with Tadashi.”

“I know, baby.”

“No, like, I love him. I’m-” Kei pulled in a shaky breath of countryside air before pulling his eyes away from the golden horizon to glance at his mom. Silently, Kei cursed these car rides with his mom, and her witchy mom ability to get anything out of him without even asking for it. Tears threatened to spill out of his eyes and stain his cheeks for the first time in a month as he spoke the two words he had never said to a soul, the words he could barely say to himself, “I’m gay.”

“I know, baby.”

“I think he hates me,” tears spilled from Kei’s eyes and Kei did little to fight the wave of emotion passing over him, “I did something so bad, mom, I think he hates me.”

“Have you ever known Tadashi Yamaguchi to hate anyone?” Kei’s mom spoke, her voice soothing him into rational thought.

“No.”

“And do you want to fight for him?”

“Yes.”

“Then fight, baby.”

___

The clubroom was familiar. The club room was safe. It was a place where quiet whispers of  _ Tadashi _ and  _ Kei _ could be exhaled between kisses long after the gym had been locked up and they were the only two left at the school. Perhaps in the whole world. Kei wouldn’t know the difference.

“The gym looks really good right, Kei?” Tadashi asked brightly, digging around in the filing cabinet to retrieve the cash box.

“Mhmm” Kei hummed, leaning against the door frame watching as his friend moved quickly throughout the clubroom. 

“I’m so excited! The girls team is really fun too. It's been nice getting to know them more this year. Ono has done a really good job as the captain, everyone is really motivated.”

“You’ve done a good job too Tadashi.” Kei smiled.

“But we still lost Interhigh.”

“We always lose Interhigh. We lost interhigh with Daichi and with Ennoshita leading the team. That doesn’t mean anything.” Kei spoke flatly, the energy in the clubroom was shifting slowly.

Their tower of cards started to sway.

“It does to me. Maybe it doesn’t to you but-” Tadashi snapped, shifting his eyes to Kei, tension filling the room.

“Because you care more than I do?” Kei shot back.

One card fell from the top.

“Don’t I?” Tadashi’s eyes were full of months worth of complicated emotions.

“I care, Tadashi.” Kei maintained his flat tone of voice, rolling his eyes out of annoyance.

Tadashi laughed a bitter and terrible sound, “You’re right, I’m convinced.” he proceeded, sarcasm dripping from his tone.

A few cards from the middle shifted, causing a ripple effect of disturbance in their build-up.

“What do you want me to do? What more do you want me to do here? Run around like an idiot and put way too much effort into something so insignificant.” Kei regretted the words before they left his lips, but he spoke them nonetheless. 

The tower toppled, cards they’d forgotten had even been there were revealing themselves once again.

“I can’t believe you just said that.” Tadashi looked hurt, “Is that really how you see me?”

Kei was quiet. Unable to answer the question.

“I shouldn’t be surprised, honestly. You’ve been an asshole about this whole event as soon as Yachi pitched it. I just-” Tadashi paused, taking a deep breath and squeezing his eyes shut. He was very clearly fighting back tears, Kei hated himself, “I just thought you cared enough about me to at least pretend to care about this.”

“I do care about you Tadashi.”

“Do you? Because I’ve been turning over the facts in my head for about a year now Kei, and it really doesn’t seem like you do.” Tadashi’s tone shifted from sadness to pure spite, “I had to beg you, _ beg you Kei, _ to put  _ an ounce _ of effort into Volleyball, the thing that made us best friends. Then, after confessing to each other, you have continually refused to accept my love unless we are alone, and even sometimes that isn’t enough. And you can’t even set aside your superiority complex and disinterest in the world long enough to let me get through the one night I have been looking forward to for months without wanting to scream at you.” Tadashi took in shaky inhales, “that doesn’t seem like care to me, Kei.”

Kei was quiet once more, throat dry, his tongue felt swollen in his mouth, and tears pricked the backs of his eyes threatening to spill over at any moment. Tadashi had gained confidence over the years they’d been at Karasuno, especially since becoming captain, but Kei never imagined that his best friend’s new found voice would be used to hurl insults in his direction.

“I don’t know Kei, I just got it in my head that maybe, if I was really lucky, you’d let me dance with you tonight.” Tadashi’s voice was quiet once again, never breaking eye contact with Kei.

Kei averted his gaze to his shoes.

Tadashi was braver than Kei ever was.

“Say something.” Tadashi mumbled, before proceeding, his voice shifting to a dried out plea, “Kei please, say something. Fight with me. Yell at me. Just show me you care. Please.”

The next 10 seconds of silence were the longest and most deafening moments of Kei’s life. A jumble of words rolled around in Kei’s head, flashing quickly through his mind, each thought being quickly replaced by another before he had the chance to grab onto the right words and vocalize them. He remained unmoving, eyes fixed on his shoes, every word in his mind remaining unspoken.

“Okay.” Tadashi exhaled with a sniffle, “take the cash box to Kageyama. You can man the front door with him as people show up. It shouldn’t take long to get through the initial rush of people. You can go home after that.” Kei felt the cash box being shoved into his chest, he raised his hands to take hold of it. Tadashi left the club room without either of them speaking another word.

Kei listened to the door latching behind him, he listened to Tadashi’s footsteps outside the door drift into the distance, he listened to the way the old stairs creaked as his best friend descended them and walked far away from Kei.

Kei listened to the sound of his own choked out sobs echo through the lonely silence of the darkened club room. 

Kei listened as the soft sound of music began to play from the gymnasium building below him in the distance. 

The same top 40 song that he’d heard that night rang through the radio as his mother pulled her car into the driveway of his house. The one he’d been away from for a month. The place where he laughed with Tadashi at his kitchen table. Where he had his first kiss, nervous hands touching blushed freckled cheeks in the backyard. Where he cried a stream of tears he thought would never end, the shower running to cover the sounds of his sobs.

Kei looked at the house which stood short and stable in front of him. 

_ I’m almost home. _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> comments are welcomed and appreciated! i'm hoping for weekly updates:)


	2. what i did to you.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> lets watch kei awkwardly talk to shoyo and tobio, a.k.a his worst nightmare :')
> 
> thank you for reading!!

The cold and distant loneliness of Kei’s bed made Akiteru’s worn out futon seem like a luxury fit for royalty. Kei’s room was dark and foreign. The #3 jersey hung up on his door, the framed photos of freckles and golden hair, the plush dinosaur on his bed; they all mocked Kei, reminding him of all he had left behind in Miyagi.

The wind rattled the window panes, a sound Kei had forgotten about during his short time in Tokyo. The tall buildings surrounding his brother’s apartment complex were enough to block the wind from shaking the glass separating him from the darkness of nightfall. Peering out into the night, Kei realized he hadn’t forgotten about the stars. Rather, he’d been longing to see them again since his first night in the city surrounded by light pollution. The few stars visible from his brother’s balcony paled in comparison to the stretch of magic which dusted the night sky in Miyagi. Kei had taken the stars for granted.

Kei had taken the stars for granted and here they were, just as bright and monstrous as he had left them, and Kei couldn’t bear to look; casting a blanket over his head as a fortress of protection. Kei would be seeing his stars in a few short hours and he couldn’t bear to think about it. There was no sheet to cover the bright spackle of stars intruding upon every corner of Kei’s mind. 

The fundamental problem with Kei Tsukishima was courage. Kei always seemed to have an excess of suave bravery within the most trivial of situations. A witty comeback or a strategic block. Meaningless displays of pride were Kei’s area of expertise. 

Kei coward before the stars. When he looked upon his stars he quaked. When he touched his stars he shivered. When he kissed his stars he crumbled completely. When Kei was faced with the black of night, the stars were there to spread warmth across his emptiness, and in response Kei tried to dull them. 

From beneath the blanket he could hear the stars screaming at him. 

_ Kei, _ they called,  _ Kei look at me. Kei face me, _ the stars beckoned,  _ Kei you love him, you love me, you love the stars. Kei look. _

Tears careened down his face as Kei discarded the blanket from atop his head and threw it into a pile on the floor. With a huff Kei sat up in his bed, straightened his back, and glared at the stars.

“Happy now?” Kei exhaled with aggravation dripping from his words and into the night.

Kei glared at the stars until they faded into the dewy violet of morning skies, their whispers were replaced with early-morning song birds, tears long having died upon his irritated skin.

His body moved but Kei wasn’t in control as he bumbled through his morning routine. He looked like shit, his coffee tasted like nothing, his uniform was itchy, and his backpack held the weight of three years of build-up waiting to be sorted through and salvaged.

When Kei stepped outside, he woke up. The crisp morning air filled his lungs with the tingling sensation of breathing for the first time. 

Kei willed himself to look at Tadashi’s house as he passed it. He willed himself to look at their meeting place across the street at the swingset in the small playground. He willed himself to look at the highschool building as he approached it, the walls ready to expand and swallow him whole. He willed himself to look up at the club room from one story below. He willed himself to look at the gymnasium doors, opened wide to let in the morning air. He willed himself to look at the sets of blue and gold eyes which met his as he stepped through the door.

Hinata stood with his arms crossed over his chest, a pathetic attempt at a sneer crossed the orange boy’s face. Kageyama cast his eyes in Kei’s direction in a brief sidelong glance before continuing to set a ball high above his head over and over again, catching it in the resistance of long boney fingers for a moment before tossing the ball to Kei, who caught it at his chest with a huff.

Kageyama mimicked Hinata’s stature, however his sneer was far more convincing than his shorter counterpart’s. He gave Kei a once over before speaking.

“You look like shit.”

___

Yachi’s semi-formal had the gymnasium packed with people. Kei hated that.

For the first time, maybe ever, Kei was thankful for how dense Kageyama could be in picking up on social cues. It was either this, or the fact that Kageyama couldn’t be any less interested in the moodier than usual state of Kei’s attitude that prevented him from asking any questions as the pair ushered guests into the now loud and bustling gymnasium. 

The initial rush of guests; primarily club members, classmates, and faculty, had kept Kei’s mind occupied. There were a few stragglers who entered the gym after the first rush of attendees. Half-intoxicated alumni were the primary population among the group of late-arrivals. As the dance filled up and fewer people were filtering into the building, his mind and eyes began to wander. 

While he and Kageyama had been banished to the ticket table, a job which suited the uncomfortable and low-energy environment the duo created, the other third years were performing their own roles effectively as well. Hinata’s primary job since the event began was to keep the energy of the dance floor high, along with the help of the first and second years, and a very intoxicated Nishinoya among other alumni, he was doing a very good job. For a while, Yachi and Tadashi were running around and completing tasks as needed, but now as the glowsticks around Tadashi’s wrists caught Kei’s eyes, the two appeared to be relaxing for the first time that night. 

Warmth sprouted from Kei’s heart and spread throughout his body as he watched Tadashi bounce, sway, and jump around on the dance floor. Yachi reached out to Tadashi, holding his face in her hands and yelled something to him through a wide smile. Kei supposed that she had informed Tadashi that they had exceeded their fundraising goal, information she had just collected from Kei and Kegeyama a few moments prior, before bounding into the crowded dance floor. Tadashi threw his head back in a fit of laughter, his cheeks were rosy from movement, and he looked the most at ease Kei had seen him in weeks.  _ Yachi did that _ , Kei thought to himself.

Something inside of Kei’s chest tightened as he remembered the way Tadashi’s face twisted and broke open with tears in the club room, just over an hour prior.  _ Kei did that. _

Kei knew that he had to do something to make it up to Tadashi. He’d completely froze up during their argument earlier, regardless of his endless feelings for Tadashi. If he could just take the step, reach out, grab hold of Tadashi, and have the confidence to make him more than his best friend, he knew that everything would be better. It was astounding to Kei that without either of them realizing it, Tadashi had become the bravery, the voice, the confidence, and the spokesperson for the duo. 

Kei had become nothing, and was on the verge of losing everything.

The music changed, clearing Kei’s mind and refocusing him on his surroundings. Where the gym was once filled with an upbeat pop song, it was replaced by a love song with a slow tempo. Kei watched as the dance floor changed its form from a mass of bodies jumping and swaying, to pairs of people taking hold of one another for a slow dance. 

He watched his nervous classmates ask girls to dance with them, he watched his alumni grab hold of one another without hesitation. He willed himself to stand up, eyes fixed on Tadashi. Kei felt Kageyama eyeing him as he took a step towards the dance floor. Then another step. Then another. And then, he stopped.

Kei watched Tadashi reach his hand out to Yachi, and he watched her accept his invitation. He watched as his best friend pulled the nicest girl he has ever met into his embrace with a smile on his face. Kei watched Tadashi smile as he swayed with Yachi in his arms. The pair looked more comfortable than any other couple on the dance floor. Kei watched as Yachi spoke to Tadashi, her head pressed comfortably to his chest. Kei watched as Tadashi laughed before pressing a peck to the top of Yachi’s head. It was as if they’d done this a thousand times before. 

And Kei could do nothing but watch it all happen before turning on his heel and leaving the gym in a rush, Kageyama’s calls of  _ “Tsukishima!” _ echoing in a far off place, unreachable to Kei.

____

Kei felt like an intruder in the gymnasium which had become like a second home to him over the past two years. He knew every corner of the space like the back of his hand. He knew that the furthest window on the right side of the gym couldn’t be opened anymore after being jammed from the impact of one of Asahi’s spikes ricocheting off the hardwood floors in Kei’s first year. He knew that the clock hung high on the wall looking over the court had stopped working a few months ago. He knew that one of the doors to the storage room had to be pulled with a greater amount of force in order to open it as the hinges rusted with age. Kei knew everything about the space, and yet, like everything else in this town, the gym felt foreign to him since he’d returned.

The most foreign thing of all was the vulnerability he felt while sitting with his legs kicked out in front of him on the gym floor, while Hinata and Kageyama sat across from him expectantly. He felt as though he shouldn’t be there, nervously checking over his shoulder every so often out of fear of someone else entering the gym unexpectedly.

“No one else will show up Tsukishima,” Hinata spoke, noticing the anxiety radiating off of Kei’s every movement, “the first and second years never come early for practise. Plus Yamaguchi-” Hinata winced at the name as it left his mouth before continuing, “he gave the team this morning off anyways.”

Kei nodded. Words abandoning him.

“Hey, so, uh,” Hinata proceeded, trying to find his own words to fill the crushing silence of the gym, “why did you want to talk to us-”

“I’m,” Kei started, cutting Hinata off, “I’m sorry, okay?”

Hinata and Kageyama glanced at one another in disbelief, Kei was sure they were having a mental conversation he’d never be able to understand. They often did that, the pair drifting away from the rest of the group as they got caught up in their own little world. Sometimes it reminded Kei of the way that he Tadashi could read each other like a book.

“Yeah? For what?” Kageyama asked, turning his nose up at Kei. Kei had known going into this that of the two, Kageyama would be the more challenging one to win over in his attempts to make amends. Kageyama was loyal, and more than that, he and Tadashi had fostered an unlikely and impossibly strong friendship since being named captain and vice-captain in their third year.

“For everything.” Kei stared hard at his shoes, “I fucked up. I hurt him and he’s your friend too and I didn’t think about how shitty it was for you guys that I just up and left this summer. I should’ve stayed and I know that. I’m sorry.”

“You abandoned the team. We’re upperclassmen now, we’re supposed to be the strongest ones here. Everyone’s supposed to look up to us, ya know?” Hinata’s eyes had softened but his voice carried with it the hurt that he felt. “You weren’t here and that sucked.”

“I know. You’re right.” Kei forced himself to look at Hinata as he spoke, “I’m sorry, Hinata.”

“If anyone had the right to run away from all this it was Yamaguchi, and he stayed. He was here everyday, man.” Kageyama's face was all harsh lines and rock hard features, Kei wasn’t off the hook yet. “He was here everyday with a smile on his face, leading the team, and being our captain. And you. You fucked off to Tokyo? How’s that fair, Tsukishima, I’d like to know?”

“It’s not.” Kei looked to the ceiling in an attempt to keep the tears he felt pricking the backs of his eyes contained. “It’s not. He’s a better person than I am, he always has been. He’s braver than me and he’s stronger than I’ve ever been. He’s the best of all of us and I-” Kei felt the tears on his cheeks before he realized they’d even begun to flow.

The thought of Tadashi commanding the attention of their team of 19 players for the past thirty days while Kei sat in a dingy Tokyo apartment feeling sorry for himself, made Kei’s heart tear open and spill out onto the gym floor.

“What is this really about?” Kageyama asked, his voice soft for the first time since their conversation started.

“I love him.” Kei’s voice was barely above a whisper, but by the way Hinata’s eyes sparkled and Kageyama’s mouth twitched, Kei knew they heard him. Kei continued, squeezing his eyes shut as he spoke. “I can’t speak for him, I don’t know how he feels or anything, but I love him.”

The silence to follow was deafening. 

____

The scene flashed in Kei’s mind like a bad movie. The grasping of hands, their bodies holding one another, the kiss on the head, Yachi’s eyes, Tadashi’s smile. 

_ Tadashi’s smile _ , Kei thought to himself.

Kei couldn’t remember the last time he made Tadashi smile like that.

Yachi could do that for him. Yachi didn’t care who saw them dance together. She was excited about the same things as Tadashi. She could make him laugh. Yachi, Kei thought to himself, was everything Kei wasn’t. She was everything Tadashi had asked Kei to be. 

His body had carried his reeling mind instinctively up the stairs towards the club room. Spare the altercation earlier that evening, the clubroom, Kei knew, was safe. The clubroom was good.

“Hey watch yourself.” A gruff voice spoke from below him.

Kei looked down to see dark eyes peering up at him through a haze of smoke. Kei knew he recognized the face looking back at him. But they were still strangers to each other.

“Don’t smoke out here, you’ll stink up our clubroom.” Kei spat. The stranger didn’t do anything to him, and Kei really didn’t mind the smoke in all honesty. But he was on edge and looking for a fight.

“Oh please,” the stranger scoffed, “I know your coach is a chainsmoker, don’t give me that crap.”

“Yeah well,” Kei spoke with less of an edge to his tone, “at least he has the decency to do it away from us.”

“Yes, of course. We wouldn’t want to hurt the lungs of Japan’s best and brightest future pro-athletes.” the stranger spoke through an exhale of smoke.

Kei eyed the stranger before cautiously sitting down next to him. He was amused to find a person who could match his quick wit and dry sarcasm. He allowed himself to forget the painful scene currently unfolding in the gym.

“What are you doing up here anyways.” Kei questioned, searching for something to keep him distracted.

“Ono completely bailed on me to go hang out with that annoying guy on your team with the stupid mohawk.” The stranger spoke with disinterest. It clicked in Kei’s mind where he’d known the stranger from. He was always hanging around with Ono, the captain of the girls team. “They were gonna go look at the stars or something. Made me want to puke so I came up here to get away from the noise.”

Kei nodded without contributing anything. The stranger continued.

“I went to the field first but a bunch of alum are drinking and I think making out with each other down there, so this seemed like the next best spot to be.” The stranger shrugged, and spoke once more, “I could ask you the same thing ya know. Seems like you should be down where all the action is, no? You’re a third year, shouldn’t you be setting a good example.”

“Tsk.” Kei rolled his eyes, “why do you know so much about my team and everything.”

“I’m best friends with Ono who is maybe the biggest gossip I’ve ever met. You must be stupid if you think I don’t know everything that goes on in this club. Besides,” The stranger offered a cigarette to Kei who shook his head in decline, “I have my own personal interests.” 

“Personal interests?” Kei questioned.

“Something to that effect, yeah.” The stranger reached across Kei’s legs to tuck the carton of cigarettes into his backpack, which Kei hadn’t realized he was almost sitting on.

Kei flushed at the closeness of the stranger. Everyone he’d ever met had known better than to invade his personal space. With one exception. Kei pushed the thought of freckled hands and lips out of his mind. These thoughts were easily replaced with panic upon feeling a hand gently placed on his thigh. 

“What are you doing.” Kei managed, snapping his head quickly to glare at the stranger.

“Do you want me to move?” The stranger asked, absentmindedly butting out the end of his cigarette on the side of his boot.

“I don’t care.” Kei spoke with a shrug trying his best to uphold his calm and cool demeanor.

“Ok cool,” The stranger spoke, his genuinely relaxed tone put Kei’s feeble attempt to shame. “I don’t care much either.”

The two sat in silence for a moment, the slow song ringing from the gym below had just come to an end.

“So, do you care if I kiss you then?” The stranger asked with blunt confidence.

“What?” Kei gulped. No one had ever been this forward with him except Tadashi.  _ Tadashi. _ Why was he thinking about Tadashi right now?

“Or are you too hung up on that boy of yours?” the stranger spoke with a click of his tongue, casting Kei a sidelong gaze. Kei shot him a glare, anger creeping into his veins. “Like I said, Ono tells me a lot about this club.”

“I’m not- He’s not  _ my _ anything.” Kei was seething as he spat the words. 

“But you want him to be?” Kei opened his mouth to object but the stranger spoke over him, “or are you up here flirting with me while he’s down there with all your friends because everything is fine between the two of you.”

“I’m not flirting with you, I have no interest in you.”

“Okay, so then are you gonna go down there and talk to him, because you are clearly very interested in him.” The stranger laughed and Kei was seeing red.

“You don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“Or are you going to stay up here,”

“Shut up.”

“and let me kiss you-”

Kei could no longer bear to hear the condescending words of the stranger sitting in front of him. Kei needed him to shut up. 

Maybe it was the need for silence, maybe it was frustration, maybe it was anger and jealousy, maybe it was so he could prove something to himself. Maybe it was a combination of all of these things which caused Kei to close the gap between himself and the stranger. 

Kei hated it. The kiss wasn’t warm or tender the way it was with Tadashi. It was cold and lonely, all the electricity in the air died when their lips met. 

Still the stranger kissed him back and Kei let him do it. He was punishing himself.

When Kei heard a crashing sound coming from behind him, he jumped away from the stranger and glanced over his shoulder, a pit in his stomach already forming. Hinata stood hunched over himself at the top of the stairs, hand clutching the banister. He looked as though he had just tripped over the last step on the way up to the balcony where Kei and the stranger were sitting. His eyes were blown impossibly wide, the captain of the girls team stood behind him. Her expression was equally as surprised.

“Tsukishima, what-” Hinata began, unable to find any words.

In a quick motion the stranger reached across Kei and grabbed his backpack. He rose to his feet and began to walk toward Hinata and Ono, giving Kei a quick tap on his foot with his own boot as he walked past.

“Later.” The stranger spoke without sparing Kei another glance, before reaching Ono and looping an arm around her shoulder, “How was your night with your loverboy?” He asked playfully as he whisked the dishevelled girl down the stairs and away from Kei and Hinata.

“Kageyama said you left and you looked upset so I wanted to see if you were okay.” Hinata began carefully, “Who was that?”

“Never got his name actually.” Kei spoke as casually as he could muster, already rising to his feet. He had to get out of here.

“You didn’t get his name-” Hinata started in disbelief before cutting himself off, “What about Yamaguchi?”

“What about him?” Kei snapped.

“Aren’t you guys like-”

“We aren’t anything.” Kei exhaled, breezing past Hinata and beginning his descent of the stairs, “I’m going home.”

Hinata looked hurt. Kei couldn’t piece together why. This had nothing to do with him.

“Tsukishima.” Hinata urged, Kei turned and gazed up at the short boy. He didn’t like the position he was in, looking up to Hinata for the bottom of the stairs. Hinata’s expression softened and Kei felt powerless. “So, Yachi might need a hand later to pull down some of the decorations Asahi put up way too high.”

Kei rolled his eyes. This was obviously an excuse to get him to stay. “And why can’t Asahi help you.”

“He had to drive Noya home before coach saw how plastered he was.” Hinata scratched the back of his head nervously.

“Well what about Kageyama? Or you? You’ve grown a whole inch since first year.” Kei was impossibly condescending.

“Hey!” Hinata yelled, taking the bait, “I’ve grown four!”

“Even better.” Kei smirked as he turned away, “Bye, Hinata.”

Kei left Hinata and the club room behind. He walked away from the pounding bass of the gym. He passed his alumni smoking beside the main school building. Kei walked away. He wouldn’t return to that gym until over a month later.

____

“Why’d you do it?” Hinata asked, his eyes carefully examining Kei’s features. “You love him, so your idea was to go makeout with some rando on the balcony?”

Kei dug the heels of his hands into his eyes until he saw stars. Kei cursed the stars.

“I was stupid.” Kei spoke, the pressure he felt in his eyes was comforting.

“Well, duh.” Kageyama chimed in, “Care to elaborate?”

“We would fight about it.” Kei began, “I was comfortable how we were. And he wanted more, he wanted to be out, and I-” Kei straightened his glasses, “I was scared and I didn’t want to think about it because I didn’t want anything to change.”

Kei’s eyes met Hinata’s and Kageyama’s. They peered at him expectantly.

Kei continued, “And then I saw him dancing with Yachi and I freaked out. So I left and then this guy was there, and I wanted to prove that I could be with someone else because Tadashi deserves better than me.”

“Yes, and then I had the great pleasure of seeing you with that weird guy Ono is friends with.” Hinata shook his head, “that was a fun little conversation piece between her and I this summer.”

“Yeah and we had to tell Yamaguchi, so that sucked.” Kageyama looked at his shoes.

“I knew you guys would.” Kei spoke, “I knew Tadashi would find out. I just didn’t want to be the one to tell him. I couldn’t watch his opinion of me get worse right in front of my eyes.”

“He still went to your place that night though, right?” Hinata inquired, “We didn’t tell him about everything until after the dance was over, but he still left before we did.”

Kageyama nodded, “We told him to go. We covered him on cleanup duty.”

“I was waiting for him at the park between our houses.” Kei spoke, recalling the memory.

“So, what happened?” Hinata asked, eyes wide with curiosity.

“Idiot, he probably doesn’t want to tell us.” Kageyama elbowed Hinata. It was the first time since Kei had arrived at the gym that Kageyama’s aggression had been directed to anyone but Kei. He was grateful.

___

Kei let his feet drag through the sand pit below him as he gently rocked himself on the rusty old swing set. The park was dimly lit and empty. The location of countless summer night rendezvous between Kei and Tadashi felt abandoned and haunted by ghosts of who they once were. Kei stared evenly out to the street in front of him. He was waiting. He struggled between staying where he was, relying on the fact that he knew his best friend would trek to his house after hearing the news of Kei’s mistake that evening. Another part of Kei urged him to go back to the school, to go back to the clubroom, to find Tadashi himself. His internal struggle resolved itself when Kei saw Tadashi round the corner onto his street.

Rather than walking down the street in the direction of Kei’s house, Tadashi bounded straight ahead to the playground. It was as though Tadashi knew Kei would be there.  _ Of course he would know _ .

Kei watched expectantly. He waited for yelling and tears. He waited for even just one word to float out of Tadashi’s mouth and destroy him completely. But nothing came.

When Tadashi sat down wordlessly on the swing next to Kei, the creaking of rusted chains tore through the silence of the night like a dagger through Kei’s flesh. Kei cast Tadashi a side long gaze, Tadashi returned the look with soft eyes and pink cheeks. They both looked down at their shoes and the pair absentmindedly lulled themselves gently on the swing set.

They stayed like that for as long as the silence would allow them. Each boy was desperately making a feeble attempt to find normalcy. They've been at this park on these swings an infinite number of times. They tried desperately to cling to this time, each boy knowing it could be their last.

Kei could see the wreckage of the delicate house of cards toppled violently around their feet. They weren’t building back up. They were statically fixed upon the ground. 

“We have to do this.” Tadashi sighed, finally breaking the silence. Kei nodded in agreement, “Okay, before we start though, you have been my favourite person for as long as I can remember. I-” Tadashi’s eyes cast upwards to the sky, “I will never take back the time I’ve spent loving you.”

“Me too.” Kei spoke. He felt emptied out, like a shell of who he thought he was.

“Okay.” Tadashi nodded and reached for Kei’s hand, giving it one squeeze before pulling away. It was a fleeting moment of tenderness, the calm before the storm. And the storm was raging behind Tadashi’s eyes. “So, what the hell is going on, Kei?”

“I think you are sick of me. I think you’ve grown exhausted of me.” Kei’s voice was tight.

“I give so much, I give  _ you  _ so much! So much of my time, my interest, my compassion, my love.” Tadashi was angry but his voice remained steady, “Kei, I give you everything I can and you don’t even try to appreciate the things that I care about.”

“Okay, I’m sorry that my form of affection isn’t like you, or Hinata, or-or Yachi.” The argument was gaining traction, the pace of the exchange was speeding up like an intense rally in a game, it felt out of Kei’s control, “Why can’t you just accept that I’ve opened myself up to you, more than I have with anyone”

“Okay, but you have no problem making out with random guys outside of the club room?” Tadashi’s voice was venomous now, “Is that what  _ your form of affection _ looks like, Kei?”

“Tadashi, that wasn’t-”

“No, it’s interesting that you’ve never so much as held my hand on school property, let alone stuck your tongue in my mouth in front of our friends.” Tadashi’s voice was rising.

“That is so unfair, is that honestly what you want?” Kei matched Tadashi’s volume.

“Oh my god!” Tadashi yelled, pushing himself off the swing and taking a few paces before turning back to Kei furiously, “Haven’t I made that obvious, Kei?”

“I don't want to ruin anything! Your my best friend and I don’t want to fuck it up! So, why can’t we just stay like this?” Kei looked to the sky as he called out into the night.

Tadashi dug the toe of his shoe into the sand beneath him. The tempo of the argument had screeched to a halt. Tadashi spoke after a moment, “Best friends? Yeah, what a joke, huh?” He spat.

Kei peered up at Tadashi from his seat on the swing, “What do you mean, what's the joke?”

“Kei, we aren’t best friends.” These were the words Kei was waiting for. The ones that would tear him open and leave incurable wounds throughout his soul. “We’ve outgrown each other, clearly. We don’t like the same things, we don’t like the same people, and I have never been hurt by a friend the way you have hurt me, let alone a best friend.” Tadashi stared deeply into Kei, awaiting a reply that wouldn’t come. Kei couldn’t speak even if he’d tried. Tadashi sighed and continued softly, “This isn’t working Kei, its not working and I’m fucking exhausted of begging you for affection.”

Kei spat the next words out of his mouth, “You’re tired? What about me? Do you think I enjoy feeling like shit everyday because I can’t give you what you want?” Tadashi’s silence urged Kei to continue, “I hate this Tadashi, I hate hurting you like this. I just need you to be patient with me please, I’m not- I don’t know what all of this is, I don’t like thinking about it because it scares the hell out of me.”

“I know Kei, I understand where you’re coming from but I’m so sad. I’m so sad all the time. I see a couple holding hands and I want to scream.” Tadashi’s voice was soft, it felt like coming home, regardless of the words he was speaking. Kei wished he could drown in their warmth. Tadashi’s next words were barely above a whisper, “I just wish we could love each other the way we both deserve to be loved.”

“We can.” Kei pleaded. Tadashi’s eyes were glued to the ground.

“But I don’t think we can.” Tadashi looked up to Kei, eyes sparkling with tears. “We’ve tried and I don’t think we can.”

“Okay.” Kei choked out, “So, what are you saying?”

“I don’t know Kei. I guess that I just need to take a step back” Tadashi sighed. He sounded exhausted. _ Kei did that. _

“Okay.” Kei bit his cheek to keep from sobbing.

“Yeah.” Tadashi’s eyes darted across Kei’s everything, waiting for a reply, for an objection, for anything. 

“Okay.” Kei managed to choke out again.

“Enjoy your summer, Kei.” Tadashi whispered before walking away into the night. 

Kei watched him go, every step of the way. 

Tadashi didn’t look back even once.

___

When the sound of students bustling through the halls began to ring through the gymnasium doors, the three boys got up from their place seated on the floor.

“Hinata go get the mops, Yamaguchi can’t know we were here.” Kageyama ordered, “He’s been yelling at me for what he calls an  _ ‘unhealthy addiction’ _ to practise, so this place needs to be spotless.”

“Yeah whatever, he definitely already knows.” Hinata scoffed, walking towards the storage room, “Unlike either of you, he’s very perceptive.”

As the orange boy walked away, a heavy tension settled over Kei and Kageyama. Kei hated this.

“As far as I’m concerned, you’re forgiven on our end.” Kageyama grunted, nodding his head to gesture in the direction where Hinata had walked off, “It must have been super embarrassing for you, of all people, to not only come here begging for our forgiveness, but then you  _ cried _ in front of us.” Kageyama’s mouth turned up into a smirk, “Oof. What a day, huh?”

“Shut up.” Kei chided, relief settling across his skin, “but, thank you.”

“Sure.” Kageyama shrugged, “So what’s next?”

“Homeroom.” Kei spoke dryly, but his heart was racing at the prospect of walking into a classroom and being engulfed in freckles.

“I can see you’ve done too much sharing for one day, so I’ll leave you to it then.” Kageyama began making his way towards Hinata before turning to face Kei once again, “Hey, um, you were missed this summer. The team- the team missed you this summer.” Kageyama looked almost as uncomfortable as Kei felt.

“Don’t try to do this.” Kei shook his head.

“Yeah, this is not our style.” Kageyama smiled to himself, “Hinata thinks I need to be more…” he sighed as he threw his hands wildly around himself in a gesture Kei couldn’t piece together.

“Warm, Vice-captain. You need to exude more warmth.” Hinata laughed, swinging an arm around the taller boy’s shoulder and poking his cheek.

“Well it's not working, so I should just stop.” Kageyama huffed, gesturing to Kei in defeat.

“I didn’t mean with  _ him _ .” Hinata bubbled with giggles, “Tsukishima couldn’t accept warmth if he was lit on fire and thrown into a volcano!”

“Thanks.” Kei contributed dryly.

“I mean with the first years, they’re scared of you! You’ve gotta be more welcoming and warm, that's your job as vice-captain!”

“Well that's what Yamaguchi does, so we’re covered.” Kageyama argued.

“Yeah, but he also has to be scary and commanding!” Hinata huffed, “He’s working overtime and you’re completely slacking!”

“You are an idiot! You don’t know what you are talking about! I can be warm, warmer than you.” Kageyama yelled.

As Hinata opened his mouth to respond, Kei interjected.

“As much as I would love to stick around and watch Kageyama lose this argument, I have to go to class.” Kei announced as he walked towards the gym door.

“See, even Tsukishima thinks I’m warmer.” Kei could hear their argument continue as he left the little oasis of hardwood floors and squeaky shoes, and entered into what he had been dreading since getting on the train to Tokyo a month ago.

Within these halls walked Kei’s dearest friend and the only person he will ever love. 

_ I’m almost home. _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> comments are welcomed and appreciated:)


End file.
